Ernie Helps Bert With His Sneeze

starring Ernie (Jim Henson) and Bert (Frank Oz)

Bert: "Ahhhh....ahhhh...."

Ernie: "Hey Bert, what's wrong?"

Bert: "I think I'm going to sneeze."

Ernie: "Bert, you can't sneeze, you don't have a hanky. You can't sneeze without a hanky."

Bert: "I know, can you go get one, Ernie? Please hurry!"

Ernie: "Wait right there. (he runs off, returns with a large hanky) Okay you can sneeze now."

Bert: "Ahh, ahhh, just hold it right there, Ernie."

Ernie: "Just sneeze any way you want to."

Bert: "Hold it that way, aaaahhhh, AAAhhhhh, I can feel it coming, AAAAAHHHH, It's going to be a big one--AAACCCCCHHHHOOOOoooo!!! (Bert buries his nose in the hanky, but when he lifts his head, his nose is still in Ernie's hand!) (nasally) That's better! Thanks, Ernie."

Ernie: "Uh, Bert? (taps him on the shoulder, shows him his nose.) This here's your nose. Looks like you sneezed your nose off."

Bert: (nasal) "Rats! (pause) Ernie, can you keep this quiet? Draw the drapes and...(softly) and put my nose back on!"

Ernie: "Why of course, kehehehe! That's what friends are for, aren't they, kehehehe?! They put their friends' noses back on!"

Bert: (nasal) "Ernie, cut the clowning, and just put my nose back on!"

Ernie: "Okay, okay." (Bert bends down, Ernie sticks it way over on the right side of his face, then starts laughing again)

Bert: "Ernie, what are you doing? That's not where my nose goes!"

Ernie: "Kehehehe! You should see where your nose is, Bert, kehehehe!"

Bert: "I can see it, yeah, out of my left eye I can see it! C'mon, Ernie, you know where it goes!"

Ernie: "Okay, just a minute." (Ernie pulls Bert's nose off and then sticks it above Bert's eyebrows, starts laughing again.)

Bert: "Is that your idea of where my nose goes? You know where it belongs!"

Ernie: "Kehehehe, it looks pretty funny right where it is, kehehehe!"

Bert: "Ho-ho. C'mon, Ernie, you know what to do, do it right!" (Bert bends down again, and Ernie moves Bert's nose down below Bert's chin, then laughes some more)

Ernie: "Kehehehe! You should see where it is now!"

Bert: "ERNIE! C'mon now, quit clowning around, do it right!"

Ernie: "Okay, hang on. (Ernie finally puts Bert's nose where it belongs) There!"

Bert: "Thanks, Ern. (pause) Oh no!"

Ernie: "What's the matter?"

Bert: "I think I'm going to sneeze again!"

Transcribed by Mrs. Mishima