It Takes Practice

Yuuri wrung his hands and worried his bottom lip between his teeth. He knew the ice. He knew hot springs. He knew food. But that was it. He was so far away from anything familiar now, so far out of his depths, he just knew that he'd do something wrong. He'd never had a boyfriend before. He'd never had a boyfriend he loved before in his bed. He'd never had a sick, sneezing boyfriend he loved before in his bed.

“hhttTchihh!” Victor's head snapped forward and his hand came up to rub his nose, as if in slow motion. “Tissue?” he asked, his voice soft, tired.

Yuuri groaned inwardly. Why hadn't he thought of that? He grabbed for the box and pulled a tissue out so quickly and so violently that it ripped in half. Scrambling, Yuuri tried again and finally pulled a full one out. He fluttered it in front of Victor's face, not sure what to do with it. His heart raced, beating so hard he worried it wasn't good for him. And his breathing was so hard and fast right now he thought he might pass out. He felt dizzy but on edge at the same time, like he couldn't control his body. 

Somewhere on the bed was his laptop, because he heard the scrape of skates hitting the ice and of program music. He didn't recognize the music, and he knew there wasn't a men's competition on right now, so he wondered if it was just a video or women's skating or even pairs. He tried to focus on that, tried to use it to distract himself from his inadequacies and shortcomings. But his anxiety still crept up in him, gripping his chest tight, sitting there like a heavy weight he couldn't shift.

“Yuuri?”

Halfway to a panic attack, Yuuri looked down at Victor in bed, lounging back on pillows. Victor took the tissue, gave his nose a wipe, then reached up and placed a finger on Yuuri's lips. “You're making it bleed.”

Taken by surprise, Yuuri bit down harder and, indeed, tasted a drop of blood. He quickly stopped chewing on his lip and drew the back of his hand across his mouth. He shifted from one foot to the other, uncertain about what to do next. “Victor...” Victor was his coach. Victor was supposed to know everything. If only he'd explain what he expected now.

Victor smiled up at him, beaming. He looked sick but relaxed, easygoing. “Don't worry. I'll be fine. It's just a ticklish little cold in my nose.” He tapped his nose and sniffed a few times, making his nose wrinkle cutely. “I'll be all better by the time we have to leave for Russia.”

Shaking his head, Yuuri looked down at his feet. The trip wasn't what he was worried about, not by a long shot.

Victor seemed to read this in his expression. “Are you worried about your program? My not being able to coach you for a few... a few... a few dah... ahhhh... hahh-TIHshhh!”

Yuuri shook his head again. Hands shaking, he didn't risk getting another tissue, so he just offered the entire box to Victor instead. “No, I...” He swallowed hard and closed his eyes. Then he felt Victor's warm hand on his, thumb rubbing the back of his hand, warm fingers pressing into his palm. Before he could stop himself, he blurted out “I'm worried I'm not taking care of you well enough!”

Victor's grip tightened for a moment then relaxed. “Oh, Yuuri...” He tugged, pulling Yuuri closer, pulling him into bed, right under the covers with him. Yuuri's head and shoulders sank into the pile of pillows as his body pressed against Victor's side. He could smell Victor's perfume, but the charming floral scent was nearly overwhelmed by the scents of menthol, ginger, and medicinal green tea. Still, it was Victor, and Yuuri melted into him, wrapping an arm across his chest, nestling his face against his neck so that when Victor spoke, it sounded too close and wet with congestion. “You make me feel better just by being here. You don't have to do anything else.”

“But I do,” Yuuri insisted, breathing into Victor's bare collarbone. “I—” He broke off, hearing Victor's breath catch. He lifted his head, seeing Victor's nose wrinkle and face screw up with the need to sneeze. Yuuri lifted the tissue box again, but there wasn't time for either of them to pull out a tissue.

Victor nuzzled into the tissue still sticking up out of the box. “heh Tishhhhh!” He took a deep breath and smiled. “Thanks.”

Resisting the urge to chew on his bottom lip again, Yuuri shook his head. “But I didn't do anything.”

Victor gave a laugh. “You're keeping me warm and comfortable and bringing me tissues when I feel sneezy. That's everything I need.” He pulled a couple tissues from the box and snuffled wetly into them. 

This wasn't enough help, and Yuuri knew it. He could feel it. He should be doing more. “I should be doing that for you, though. I should be wiping your sore nose when it drips and holding tissues when it twitches, when you're about to sneeze. But I'm not fast enough...”

“Oh, you're plenty fast, sniff! Sniff! You just need to practice.” Victor reached for the tissue box. He pulled one, two, three, and four tissues out. Then he shoved them into Yuuri's hand. “Hold these for me?”

It was a gentle question from his lover, not a command or an order from his coach. Victor was everything to him at once, though, and Yuuri resolved to not let him down. He took the bunch of tissues,too many to fit in a closed fist. He pushed up from the pillows on his elbow so he could look down at Victor, waiting for a sign he might be useful.

The music had changed in whatever Victor was watching. It was cheery and upbeat now, and the crowd was clapping along to it. It should have made Yuuri happy, but instead it put him on edge, filled him with pent-up energy, and made him feel like he was going to be expected to perfectly execute a jump he had never tried before in competition.

“Yuh Yuuri? Think I hah have to...” Victor gasped. His eyelids fluttered shut and his nostrils twitched. Yuuri's hand rushed over, shoving the tissues in Victor's face. There was just time for Yuuri to get the tissues right up to Victor's nose. “heptchmphh!” Yuuri started to lower the tissues, but Victor's hand flew up, holding them in place. “H'tchmphhh! Heh hehhh Himmphhh! Oh... sniff! Sniff! Excuse me. Sniff!”

Now Victor had the sniffles, his nose running into the tissues, his whole cold-filled head making him seem drowsy and extra helpless. Working more off instinct than anything else, Yuuri readjusted the tissues. “Blow your nose,” he suggested. Victor did, and Yuuri closed the tissues around his nose as he did. He gave Victor's nose a wipe and stuffed the used tissues into a big bag safety-pinned to the side of the bed. He got more tissues at once, wanting to be prepared. Pressing them to Victor's nose. “Again?”

Victor's head gave a little shake, and he closed his eyes. His nose was still runny and sniffly, so Yuuri dabbed tissues at it gently. It was already flushed pink from attention, and he didn't want to make it more sore and sensitive.

Suddenly, Victor tensed up. His brow furrowed and nose twitched. Yuuri got the tissues ready. On the laptop, wherever the hell it was amid the blankets, the music was tension-filled, dramatic, and the crowd was ooohing at a skater who was executing jumps. “It's okay,” Yuuri reassured Victor. “I think... I think I've got you. You can sneeze.”

And so Victor did. His whole body pitched forward, nose planting into the bunch of tissues. “hehhhPTshphhhh! Hehtchoomphh! Eh ehhh ehhh-IHtchmphhh! heytchmph!” Yuuri wasn't sure he was done, but the tissues were soaking, so he tried to quickly switch to some dry ones.

But he wasn't fast enough.

“h'TCHEW!” Victor snapped forward, spraying part of Yuuri's hand and the blankets covering his lap. Yuuri quickly wiped his hand on his side before Victor could see, not wanting the man to feel bad about it.

He, on the other hand, felt overwhelmed with guilt. Yuuri felt his mouth go dry and his heart ache. “I'm so sorry. I had the tissues, but I couldn't get them up in time—”

Victor pouted, nose running, looking all kinds of miserable and adorable simultaneously. “You'll do better next time,” he reassured Yuuri. “You're concentrating too hard. You're getting all sniff wrapped up sniff sniff  in your head. Sniff! Sniff!You need to just relax. Sniff! Ah, these sniffles...” He bent forward and nuzzled the tissues in Yuuri's hand, giving little, kittenish, snuffling blows. “Better,” he said, leaning back into his pillows and against Yuuri. “This is nice.”

Was it though? Yuuri knew he should be on the ice, practicing, with Victor giving him tips and pushing him to succeed. More than almost anything, Yuuri wanted to place first, to show Victor none of this year had been wasted, to show Victor he was worthy of the love and respect. He wasn't accomplishing anything right now.

“hah... Yuur... Yuuri? Hahh hahhh! HAH!” As Victor gasped and whimpered with need, Yuuri held tissues up for him. “hahh-EHHShhmphh! Uh hehh-T'chmphh! HAHTchmphh!” When he pulled back, he was smiling almost drunkenly at Yuuri. “You're getting better at this.” He shivered, hugging his arms to his chest under the blankets, helpless, dependent on Yuuri.

Yuuri felt the pressure, the expectation. He couldn't let Victor down. He kept tissues at Victor's nose as he pulled more from the box, swapping them out with lightning fast speed and grace.

Victor tilted his head into them with another wet snuffle. “My little colds usually pass quickly. We'll be back at the rink in no time, sniff, I promise. Don't worry.” He tugged at Yuuri, who got the message and wrapped his arm around Victor and snuggled close to him again. But it didn't make him stop worrying, for some reason.

It wasn't until Victor fell asleep, with stuffy, snuffling snores, his head on Yuuri's rising and falling chest, that Yuuri relaxed his grip on the tissues and started to understand what all this anxiety was about. It wasn't about practicing to catch Victor's sneezes for him, though he was happy to do so. It wasn't even about making Victor better to they could get back to the Ice Palace, though he certainly wanted Victor to get well soon. It was about having Victor in his life now through the good and the bad. It was about showing Victor that he could perform in this new role. It was about being the best boyfriend he could be to Victor. And he still really didn't have a clue about how to do that.

But maybe Victor already knew that. Maybe all Victor really expected was this—just snuggles and company and Yuuri trying his best. Maybe that could be good enough. Yuuri nuzzled his face into Victor's light hair and kissed his head. In his sleep, Victor let out a soft sigh. And a tiny cough. Grabbing the tissues, Yuuri got ready just in case. But all he heard was the laptop. The music was a bit muffled by blankets, but the song was soft and sweet like a lullaby, accented by the sound of skate blades hitting the ice. The music calmed him, helping to let some of the worry slip away, but he still kept hold of the tissues, just in case.