Title: Irony

Author: tarotgal

Fandom: Torchwood

Rating: NC-17

Pairing: Jack/Ianto

Disclaimer: Not my characters or my universe. I make no money from this.

Summary: Jack will do anything at least once. Eventually, that policy has to backfire.

Notes: Yet another penalty drabble. Though, at 6 pages, it's a fail as a drabble. LOL Thank you to Lady Korana for her crucial help regarding the lift!



Carefully, Ianto measured out the tea leaves and spooned them into the kettle. He held it under the faucet, listening to the water against the metal to know how full it was.


“This is all your fault.”


Ianto looked over his shoulder and frowned at Jack. “Hardly.” He set the kettle on a burner.


“You're the one who insisted on doing something I had never done before.”


Ianto turned and crossed his arms over his chest. “And you're the one who had done everything under the sun, requiring us to do… something more extreme.”




“Yes,” said Jack. “Besides, I think we've had enough of movie theaters lately.”


Ianto nodded and threw his head back. Jack's fingers were working meticulously along Ianto's cock, slowly driving him mad. “What about… handcuffs?”


“Of course.” Jack tickled Ianto's balls so lightly that Ianto nearly went out of his mind.












“If I said no, would you give it a try?”


Ianto opened his eyes and stared at Jack with a skeptical look.


Jack sighed. “Yes, I'd tried that as well.”


Crestfallen, Ianto shook his head. “The problem with being with someone who's lived so long and who is willing to try anything is that he has already tried everything.” He pushed Jack's hand away and sat up. His lips found Jack's and they kissed until Ianto pulled back. “Public sex?”


“I've tried that many times.”


“Public sex here, on the roof of this building?”


Jack nodded. “Yes.”


“How about on the invisible lift, outside the Hub?”


Jack started to reply, but caught himself in the middle of the word. He blinked back at Ianto. “Do you know... I don't think I have done that. Why haven't I done that?”


Ianto took Jack's hand and dragged him over to the lift.


“What, now?”


Now,” Ianto insisted. “Before I lose my nerve entirely.”


Jack hesitated then nodded. “All right. Let's do it.”


They lay down on the lift as it slowly rose up through the center of the hub. Jack began by resuming his languid stroking of Ianto, but Ianto wanted more, faster. He tugged and pulled at Jack's clothes, untucking the shirt he knew he would have to press later, unfastening the suspenders that could have provided some amusement if they were in any other circumstance. But, instead, they were on the hard, concrete slab, finally doing something that Ianto had dreamed of doing with Jack something he had never done before with anyone.


Even if it had to involve a cold, hard, concrete slab. Ianto shivered as his back hit the platform. But a little chill wasn't going to deter him from the fact that a half-naked and more than willing Captain Jack Harkness presently hovered over him.  As Jack continued the kissing and the touching, Ianto continued the war with their clothes.  The clothes just wouldn't come off fast enough for his liking, and motions like pulling pants down or pulling socks off required to stop with the snogging and groping, so soon it was all about tradeoffs and waiting for breaks in-between gasps and moans.


By the time the lift rose within ten feet of street level, however, both men were entirely naked and worked up into suitable frenzies. And Ianto discovered that there was something kind of surreal and invigorating about Jack thrusting back and forth in and out of him while the lift moved steadily upwards. The combination of movements alone were enough to make Ianto worry he might not last long.


It wasn't until they were out, exposed to the air, that Ianto realized this really would have been better to try in the summer, or even the spring or autumn. It was absolutely freezing out that night. Jack leaned closer instinctively, wanting their bodies as close together as possible while still preserving the angle at which he freely thrust. At first, Ianto wanted Jack right on top of him, not just because of the cold but because there were people in Roald Dahl Plass. On some level, Ianto knew that the people wouldn't be able to see him and Jack if the pair stayed where they were, but, deep down, he was terrified the strangers would see. Jerking each other off in the back of a movie theater or frotting in an elevator was one thing. This was right out in the open. Ianto looked up at Jack.


“Having second thoughts?” Jack whispered, barely speaking but knowing Ianto could read his lips.


Ianto was. It had looked so smooth before, but the concrete against his back was rough and hurt the more Jack thrust. And it was fucking freezing out; almost impossible to maintain a proper erection in this weather. And people were just walking by them with their shopping or heading home after long shifts at work. This was crazy and stupid and not remotely fun any longer. But Jack hadn't done it before and, damn it, that was all Ianto cared about. Besides, Jack was here; it was hard not to be hard with Jack around. So Ianto shook his head and gestured for Jack to continue. Before he knew it, they were both coming silently.


The two clung to each other afterwards. Ianto wasn't fooled; he knew it was just as much for warmth as affection—maybe more—but he didn't care. He loved how Jack held him, ran hands through his hair, nuzzled into his cheek and neck. And, strangely, he loved how he was lying there with Jack for the entire world to see, even though they were safely in the perception filter.


“Enjoy yourself?” Jack whispered. His breath was so warm against Ianto's skin that it made it tingle.


Ianto was pretty sure his back was bleeding slightly in more than one place; if not, it was definitely rubbed raw to the point of hurting. And his nose was running from the cold air. But Jack was there, so close and cuddly and Ianto found himself nodding affirmatively to the question without even thinking twice about it. Jack hugged him tighter and Ianto closed his eyes, content beyond words.


Until he sneezed. “eh-shoo!” Ianto only just managed to turn his head as he felt the tickle strike. He pressed the back of his wrist to his nose and sniffed. And sniffed again. And again. “Ugh.”




Ianto nodded. He hesitated a moment, then replied, “Possibly in more ways than one. I… had a bit of a headache when I woke this morning. And that wasn't my first sneeze of the day.”


Turning his head, Ianto saw that Jack looked concerned. “Time to head back down then, I think.” He made a move towards his own wrist, and then the concern on his face was replaced with something close to shock and horror. He pulled back and looked around, but there was nothing to see apart from the two of them on the sidewalk in the middle of the plaza. “What happened to our clothes?”


Ianto sat up and looked around. He must have pulled them off more enthusiastically than he'd thought. “They must have gone over the side of the lift.” He shivered, wishing he had his shirt back. Or at least his shorts. “Let's go down and get them.”


“I'd like nothing more,” Jack agreed. “But I'm not wearing my wriststrap.”




“It must have come off with my shirt or slipped off somehow.”


Ianto looked around again, as if he might be able to spot something so large and distinctive against the nothingness of the slab where Jack couldn't. Ianto was very good at observation, after all. Maybe it was hiding under them? He got up, and pulled Jack up with him, stepping back a little, but not enough so that they would step out from the hidden spot. The wriststrap was nowhere to be seen. “Oh good God. We're stuck up here.” Ianto shivered violently, and Jack wrapped his arms around the man again.


“What about the office?”


“Locked up ages ago.”


“What's the lock like?”


“We could jimmy it open,” Ianto explained, “but that would set off the alarms and trap us there.” Besides, they would have to run naked through the plaza and people were bound to call the authorities at the sight of two naked men forcing their way into the tourism office. Not to mention that, once trapped in the office, naked, the rest of Torchwood and the authorities would be called there anyway. “I don't think I like that… op-tion-ehhh-Shihhhh!


Jack eased them back down onto the lift. Less of them was exposed to the air that way, not that it helped. It was going to get below freezing tonight. Jack could survive, certainly, but Ianto was a mere mortal. Who was already ill.


And sniffling. Ianto wished he had any piece of clothing now, so that he could wipe his nose if nothing else. “So we just wait?” Isn't there anything else we can do?” They didn't have keys, so taking refuge in the SUV or heading to Ianto's flat was out. No wallets, so checking into a hotel was out, as was buying something to cover up with, even if they dared to leave the privacy of the spot.


“I could go try to steal something,” Jack said. “But I don't want to leave you alone.”


Ianto supposed that in any other context, that would have thrilled him to hear. It would have been the closest to romantic and couple-y that Jack had ever gotten with him. But, at that moment, Ianto wanted to be warm and dressed and drinking a cup of tea more than anything else.


“So we wait,” Jack agreed. “Until we figure out something better.”


Something better came along two hours later in the form of the last person Ianto wanted to see when he was in this situation: Owen. “No,” Ianto said, shaking his head repeatedly. “No, no, no. Not… ehhh… not Owen. Ehhh-Hihshhhhhh!” He rubbed the back of his hand against his nose, sniffling.


Jack took one look at Ianto's face—nose red, cheeks just as rosy, lips almost blue from the temperature. “Yes,” Jack stated. Ianto banged on the lift while Jack stood and waved his arms in the direction of the surveillance camera that Jack knew was there, even though it was hidden.


It took almost half an hour for Qwen to respond, but then the familiar whir of the mechanisms sounded. The lift began to descend, and Jack extended a hand to Ianto. Ianto rose, still rubbing his nose, and was sort of amazed when Jack put his arm around him, knowing Owen would see. When they got down far enough, though, Ianto shifted and shyly positioned himself behind Jack so Owen wouldn't see… all of him.


Owen stood in front of the lift, arms folded across his chest, laughing his bloody head off. “Looking for this?” Owen asked, holding up Jack's wriststrap.


Jack nodded. He stepped off the lift and held his hand out for it. Ianto followed close behind, still hiding behind Jack as much as possible. He sniffled but tried not to sneeze. The last thing he wanted was for Owen to know he was ill and pay more attention to him.




hah-Shoo! HeptChoo!


Ianto poured the tea into the cups and turned with one in each hand. “Bless you.”


Jack nodded in appreciation and blew his nose quickly before accepting the tea.


Wordlessly, they headed back to Jack's bed with the tea. They sat there, amidst blankets and tissue boxes and hot water bottles, sipping their hot tea. Then, softly, Ianto said, “You're probably right. It was my fault. I'm sorry.”


Jack shook his head. “It's do one's fault.” He blew his nose again, sounding clearer afterwards. “You just wanted to do something with be you'd never done before.”


Ianto nodded. “And it backfired badly.”


Ianto finished his tea and set his cup aside. He lay back on the bed, tissues clutched in his hand and one of the many blankets wrapped around himself. Jack finished his tea quickly and lay down beside Ianto, sharing a pillow with him. “It's not so bad,” Jack whispered. “Is it?”


Ianto shook his head. It was a pretty bad cold, sure, but Jack lying in bed with him wasn't such an awful thing.


hahhh-HUHShoo!” Jack blew his nose and Ianto snuggled up to him in bed as if they were outside again and needed to conserve their body heat.


“Bless you,” Ianto said. And then, smiling, he asked, “Jack, have you ever made love while you were ill?”


Jack thought this over. He shook his head. “This is only the third time I've ever been ill. I don't even know if I can…”


Ianto reached down, cupping his hand over Jack's crotch. “Oh, I think you can.”


Jack pulled a comforter up over the two of them and snogged Ianto amidst the heat and the darkness the blanket brought. Ianto chuckled as he felt another sneeze coming on. “ehhh-Ihshhhh!” He sniffled and laughed outright.


“What?” Jack asked, as soon as Ianto was done and they had locked eyes again.


Ianto shrugged. “This is much better than sex on the lift. What was I thinking?”


“This?” Jack asked. “Hah… hahShoo!” He had a tissue up to his nose almost at once, but he had caught Ianto slightly with the sneeze.


Ianto smiled and nodded as he pressed himself up against the slightly shivery, sniffly Jack. Jack wrapped his arms around Ianto again. “Yes, this. This is exactly what I wanted. Are you up for it?”


It took Jack a few moments, and then he nodded. “I'm willing to try anything.”