Title: How Bad Could It Be?

Author: tarotgal
Original Fiction Request
Rating: NC-17

Summary: Two sneeze fetishists meet IRL… and things don’t go as expected.

Word count: 7,633
Notes: Written for webmeistro as a thank you for donating on my fundraising page for the Walk to End HIV. The requirement was a 5,000 word fic but the story demanded more.



How Bad Could It Be?


Designer handbag on the shelf just inside. Keys to her BMW on the hook by the door. It was good to be home. Her phone hadn’t stopped ringing all day at the office, and though her office assistant was pretty good at fielding her calls and only sending her the most urgent ones, the few moments she wasn’t on the phone she had had a deluge of email needing her response. She had barely been able to even look at her actual work all day. So coming home to her quiet, empty, neat, and orderly house was just the thing.


Josephine loved her job at Global Industry Solutions & Strategies. She had taken a job there straight out of college after earning her MBA and had and risen swiftly through the corporate structure in her six years with them. There was an addictive sort of power that came in helping to set up just the right merger or jumping straight into a business about to tank and saving it from financial ruin. She loved putting out fires and dealing with disasters all day, and she got paid pretty well for it too. But when she got home, all she wanted was peace and quiet.


She settled on her couch in her den with some leftover takeout from the Parisian restaurant she’d been to two nights back with her younger brother and sister-in-law. One afghan thrown over her lap and a glass of wine later, and Josephine was ready to kick back and get lost in the HBO movie of the week she’d set her DVR to grab. She’d read on the forums a while back that there was a certain scene of interest in the movie, plus it had gotten four stars. Definitely worth a few hours of her time, assuming she could stay awake throughout all of it. She stretched out on the couch and hit play.


Not for the first time, she thought how nice it would be to come home to a cat or a dog, something that would curl up on the couch to spend time with her. Some of her coworkers had pets; a couple even had framed photos of them in their cubicles or offices, which might have been taking things a little too far. But Josephine wasn’t home enough to be able to care for a dog. And cats, well, cats made her sneeze, so that would be pretty silly of her. That would be like planting ragweed outside her window that would set her hayfever off. Josephine certainly had more sense than that.


Even without a pet curled up at her feet, she enjoyed the movie. There was a nice mix of action and romance. Believable storylines and characters with genuine, consistent motivations. The pacing was good and the writing top-notch. Oh, and there was that one scene where the main character sneezed while crawling through a dusty air conditioning duct. That right there should have been enough to warrant an Oscar nomination, as far as Josephine was concerned. The helplessness in his expression and the way he’d fought it, squeezing his nose with his thumb and forefinger while cupping the rest of his hand over his mouth. The way his eyes rolled back then slammed closed when he let out that tremendous, wet sneeze that echoed a little off the metal walls of the confined space. Josephine had hit rewind to rewatch that bit a couple times before continuing the movie, feeling a tiny little flip of excitement every time he wound up, struggled, and sneezed.


It was her only weakness, and not one she ever spoke of. The few men she had dated hadn’t known. She hadn’t even told the one she’d slept with though, now that she thought back about it, she wished she had. Sex with him had been so damn boring, it might have been nice to have at least given something a little kinky a try before they’d finally given up on a relationship and called it quits. But that was years ago, so it was too late now. But she thought sometimes about telling the next man she dated.


Assuming there was a next man. It had been years. Not intentionally, of course. She’d just been focusing on her job and the years had flown by without her knowing. And without her wanting. Things were a lot less complicated when your only sexual partners once or twice a month at most were a vibrator and a page of sound clips of anonymous, faceless men sneezing. But after being pelted repeatedly with the “when are you getting married?” question at her little brother’s wedding, Josephine had bitten the bullet and signed herself up on a local dating site.


Every night she thought about taking herself off it. The only guys who seemed to like her profile seemed to be horny losers attracted to her for her job title or for the selfie she’d taken on the best hair day she’d had in months (sometimes it was difficult to make her long, brown hair behave, so usually she wore it up in a bun at work). Maybe tonight was the night to finally give up on anything more than the occasional sneeze in a movie.


Josephine reached for the laptop she kept on her coffee table and signed in. The moment the dating site page loaded, she noticed the notification across the top that her profile had been viewed another dozen times and that one of the visitors had messaged her. Preparing to laugh at this one before she deleted the account, she clicked to open it. And then her stomach did another, unexpected flip.


Hi. I did a search for sneezing in people’s interest fields here and yours was the only one that came up. Which, naturally, made me get it up. I like sneezing, too. You’re not a member of the forum by any chance, are you? If you really like sneezing, you know the one I’m talking about. My username there is SneezeOnMe. I’m just getting over a cold, so I’m not really contagious any more, but there might be a treat in store for you. Message me back if you’re interested in a date. ~Dennis Porter


She read the message four times. She’d honestly stuck that profile interest in-between business management and wine tastings just to see if anyone even noticed, just on the off chance that a fellow sneeze fetishist might contact her. And here one was now on the same night she’d seen that movie so it was actually on her mind. What were the odds? Something like 2 in 31? That was pretty impressive. Maybe it was a sign?


Opening up a new browser tab, she typed in the blue forum URL, which didn’t autofill because she routinely erased her browser history and emptied her cache. She kept a couple of her favorite things on her computer in a password protected folder, but she wasn’t about to bookmark sites. She signed into the forum as BizJo and tried to do a search for his username, only she was still a pending member and it wouldn’t let her see anyone’s profile. Damn it! How was she supposed to get a look at this guy if she couldn’t find him? She’d been a member for years now, but she mostly just lurked in the background. Something caught her eye in the sidebar and she clicked the topic at once. It was SneezeOnMe role playing with someone on the forum, acting out a sneezing scenario together. He was actually a pretty good scene builder, though he got to the sneezing part pretty quickly. Well, she couldn’t fault him for that; it’s what the forum was for, after all, sharing a fetish and love they all had for sneezing. She looked over at his profile info, knowing she would get a page error if she clicked it.


But she didn’t need to go that far. His avatar was a photo of a nose—presumably his. It was actually pretty nice-looking, with a slight flush around the nostrils; certainly better than the generic bee pollinating a flower stock photo she had chosen for herself.  Under his icon was his group designation: Full Members. And beneath that his member ID and the number of posts he’d made. She read that bit five times before she believed it. She’d been a member for years and years and still had only 28 posts to her name, mostly polite thank yous when people posted wavs or video links she especially enjoyed. SneezeOnMe, however, had over 18,000 posts. 18,000? How was that even possible? She went back to his message to her on the local online dating site. I like sneezing, too. Like? At 18,000 posts, the word like barely applied. This guy was in love with sneezing. This guy was obsessed.


And that was kind of sexy. She’d never met a fellow sneeze fetishist before. She wasn’t even sure something like that would work out long-term. What else would you have in common other than a sexual fetish? Sex wasn’t even all that important to Josephine, so building a relationship on it alone seemed like a stupid idea. But if she was going to meet one, she might as well meet one who took it to a whole new level.


She checked his age on the dating site: 23. That was five years younger than she was, but not too significant an age difference. She’d always imagined herself with an older man, but what the hell. All he was asking for was a date. And, even if the date didn’t go well, she could say she’d made an effort. She might even get to hear a sneeze or two from someone who didn’t mind the way she would smile wistfully upon hearing it.


Quickly, Josephine messaged him back through the dating site with her forum username and her willingness to meet up. Then she hit send before she could chicken out. This might be kind of fun, actually. It would be like dating an in-person wav file. How bad could it be?




So bad. Everything that could possibly be bad was bad. In fact, it was worse.


They’d agreed to meet in this small public park in front of the library and walk to dinner together from there. From the moment she saw him, she realized she needed to get out of this date fast. His hair was a dirty-blond, shaggy shoulder-length that looked like it would stage a revolt if a comb even came near it. Stubble covered his chin and cheeks; the least he could have done was shave for the date. Actually, the least he could have done was put on a proper shirt. This t-shirt was covered in wrinkles and under one of the arms there was a small hole at the seam her eye kept being drawn to. The least he could have done was put on the flannel shirt he had wrapped around his waist and button it up, but apparently that had not occurred to him. His dark wash jeans might have been nice once upon a time, but one knee was light and threadbare and the other knee was ripped open, totally exposing his skin beneath. He wore dirty chucks, one of which seemed permanently untied. He also smelled strongly of something, of what she wasn’t sure, but it was strong enough to notice.


In the business world, first impressions counted for a hell of a lot, and Dennis “SneezeOnMe” Porter was making a pretty bad one. The only thing he had going for him was that he’d brought flowers. That was how she’d been told to recognize him in the park. And when she approached him, he practically shoved them in her face. “Not allergic, are you?”


Josephine studied the bouquet of cheaply dyed carnations and a sprig of baby’s breath. “Um, no,” she said, taking the flowers. “Not to these.”


“But you do have allergies?”


This was the strangest start to a date she’d ever had, and she should have taken it as a sign to run back to her car, back to her house, dive under her afghan, and delete her dating account as fast as possible. But, instead, she kindly humored him. “To a few things.  My hayfever acts up from time to time. And cats get to me.”


“Oh, me too! Cats, I mean. You’re lucky you have hayfever. I’d kill to have that. The short, strong, uncontrollable bursts of sneezes. Those are the best, don’t you think?”


Was this actually her life? Was this actually happening? She glanced around, but no one was near enough to have overheard them. “Um, weren’t we going to go to a restaurant?”


He nodded. “Yeah. Sure. Thought I’d let you choose. There’s a Popeyes and a McD’s up there on the right. And if you’re feeling really fancy, we could go across the street to Subway. What do you think?”


What Josephine thought was that she shouldn’t have agreed to this date in the first place.

“Sorry,” he shrugged, as if noticing her outfit for the first time. She wore a pair high heels that matched the cardigan wrapped around her shoulders. Beneath that was a shimmery satin blouse that went well with her pencil skirt. “’s kinda all I can afford.”


Grinding her teeth silently, she forced herself to smile. “McDonald’s is fine.”


His face lit up, misinterpreting her smile entirely. “Great!”


They set off for it, and he didn’t offer to take her arm or her hand or even hold the door for her when they got there. He just led the way up to the counter. He ordered a few burgers and fries, not what Josephine would have chosen, but she wasn’t planning on eating much of anything anyway. But then he turned and gestured to her. “And whatever she wants.”


Caught off guard, and realizing he’d just ordered something like three meals’ worth of food for himself, she quickly scanned the menu for something vaguely recognizable as food. “A McChicken, please.” She opted for “no fries with that,” but she did get an iced tea. By the time Dennis had paid, trays piled with food were set out before them. Dennis carried two over to the drink station where he filled up on root beer and condiments of all sorts, even stuffing some packets into his pockets for later, which she didn’t think was very honorable. But, then again, neither was asking someone out on a date and not mentioning you were a broke pothead. Because she recognized that smell now.


She watched him empty two cups of catsup onto his plate and dip three French fries into the glob, stuffing them all into his mouth at once. Then she looked down at her burger, not feeling the least bit hungry for it. But she was eager for him to stop shoveling food mindlessly into his mouth. So she tried to start the conversation. “So, Dennis, could you tell me a little about yourself?”


He nodded at her, finishing up his current bite with a strong swallow. “I’m mostly into women’s sneezes, though I do kinda have a thing for my own at times. And I like allergies over colds. Hayfever especially is so fucking hot, you know?”


Josephine wasn’t sure she knew, but she nodded politely, because it seemed like the thing to do.


“What’s your hayfever like? Is it worse in the mornings? Do you ever wake up feeling like you need to sneeze?”


“Sometimes,” she admitted, feeling her cheeks burn. She couldn’t believe she was having this conversation with someone face-to-face, let alone in public. She hoped he wouldn’t notice.


He noticed. “Aw, don’t be embarrassed. I understand. Sneezing’s the best. The desperation, the spray, the uncontrollable, irresistible urge.  I can’t even remember a time in my life I wasn’t attracted to sneezing. God, it makes me so horny saying this out loud to someone who understands.” He gave a soft sound somewhere in-between a moan and a groan.


Shocked that he was actually saying all this out loud in a McDonald’s and alarmed that he might suddenly have an orgasm right then and there, Josephine attempted to back up. “But what about you in general? What about your job?”


“It’s kind of cool. Sometimes I can hear customers sneeze. If I’m lucky, they do it where I can see. I’ve posted a bunch of observations on the forum.”


She was starting to lose patience, but she tried to remain calm. “What is it that you do for a living?”


“Oh, I bag groceries at a supermarket.” He took a hefty bite of one of his burgers.


“And… and that’s enough to pay rent and bills?”


He shook his head. “Don’t have too many of those. My parents worry about stuff like that. I just live in the basement. Pretty awesome, really. Oh… wait! I think I’m gonna… gonna…” He waved a hand in front of his face. His eyes closed and mouth dropped open. He stayed that way for several seconds before he relaxed, shaking his head with disappointment.  He looked at her, as if expecting she might say something. But what was she supposed to say? She wasn’t going to bless him if he hadn’t actually sneezed. “Sorry, false alarm. Dude, I hate when that happens, you know?” He picked up a burger and bit into it. A bit of special sauce dripped into his lap, but he took another bite of the burger and shoved in a couple more fries as well before he bothered wiping it up with a napkin. He let out a loud breath as he did it. Apparently the spot he was rubbing was in a favorable place.


She was appalled. Everything about him was appalling. It was bad enough to act like this on a date, but, even worse, his mother let him out of the house looking like this. Now, in this day and age, living with your parents wasn’t so bad. A lot of people moved back in with mom and dad after college while they were job hunting, then moved out as soon as they were financially stable. But in his case, he seemed to have no interest in doing that.


“Apart from… that… what do you like to do for fun?” A second later, she wished she hadn’t asked.


“My perfect day’s a wake and bake. I lie in bed and take enough hits to start feeling it. Then I pull up my favorite sneezing wavs and just go to town. I could spend hours enjoying ‘em like that. I’d get up for some snacks and play my favorite video games, listening to sneeze wavs the whole time, like for hours and hours, getting all worked up. I’d surf the forum for anything new while I kept that buzz on all day long, just enough to make food taste real good and make orgasms feel fucking magical. Smoke, eat, play, and beat it from dawn ‘til dark. Nothin’ better than that.”


Josephine could appreciate the simple things, and she definitely like relaxing, but a whole day of doing nothing but masturbating? What kind of stressful life as a bag boy meant he needed that much time to relax?


“Hey, did you see that self obs on the forum this morning about hayfever? Is yours anything like that?”


She shook her head, not sure which of the questions she was answering as she did so. She clarified. “I haven’t seen it, no.”


“Oh, it’s been up for a couple hours now. You should check it out when you get home. It’s pretty hot. Great descriptions, especially the way that tickle feels taking over the nose, bombarding the nostrils. What’s yours feel like?”


To buy herself some time, she absentmindedly took a bite of her McChicken. At once, she regretted not doing so earlier. It was actually tasty. Despite the fact that it probably wasn’t actual chicken and it was probably terrible for her, she actually considered getting lunch from McDonalds maybe once a week, when she wasn’t out on working lunches with clients, that is. The second bit was just as good as the first, if not better.


“God, watching you eat is mesmerizing,” he breathed. “I bet watching you sneeze is even better. I bet your hair falls in your face. I bet your nostrils get all red. I bet your eyelashes flutter. I bet your body flies forward so far your cleavage is unmissable. Looks like you’ve got a great body.”


That was it. She’d had enough. She wrapped her sandwich back up; she could eat it at home just as easily. This had been a mistake from the very start. “You know what, Dennis? I think I’d better go.” She stood up, meaning to leave at once.


“Aw, no.” To his credit, he didn’t reach out to her, didn’t grab her wrist and hold her there dramatically. But he also looked like he wanted to. “I haven’t even sneezed for you yet.”


Her lips were pursed. It took all her strength to say a polite, “Maybe another time.”


He shook his head adamantly, insistently. “Just give me a couple seconds, that’s all.” He reached into his pocket and pulled out a few pepper packets he’d apparently stolen from the condiment station. He spilled one out onto the back of his hand then, casually, dipped his head. As he pressed his nostrils against his hand, he sniffed it up and, instantly coughed. His eyes watered. He coughed again and his whole face went red.


Then, suddenly, this look came across his face. It was a vacant, unfocused expression. His entire face went slack except for his nostrils, which twitched and flared violently. As his mouth hung open, tongue pressing visible against his bottom teeth, his eyes fluttered closed. He drew in several quick, audible breaths that made Josephine hum in anticipation in spite of herself. She loved getting warnings. In all of her favorite wavs, there were long, dramatic build-ups that gave her time to really get into the sneeze, anticipate, adore. “huh-huh-huhhhhhh! HUH!” He teetered there, right on the edge, for so long she thought the sneeze might actually have left him. Then he pitched forward, hand up but out so that he covered his sneeze while still letting her see his nose. “HUH-H’GIHddshhhxxxx!


Josephine’s breath caught. Something down below spasmed happily and she felt wetness seep into her panties.  It wasn’t anything like the wet spray from his sneeze, but it was just as uncontrollable. And just as good.


“W-wait…” he said, waving his hand, eyes still closed so he couldn’t see that she was waiting. Oh God, she was most definitely waiting now. She couldn’t take her eyes off him and his wildly twitching nose. “I-I have to… huh! Think I’m gonna… gonna huhhhh! Gonna sn-sneeze again for you-huhhh-huhh-HUH-NGUHTshhhhhhhhhh!


This one was even wetter than the first. And so was she. She could barely breathe. Barely move. All she could do was watch and feel herself going weak, feel her insides turning to mush, but feel her whole body calling out in desire.


“One more… I… I can’t… can’t h-hold it ihhhhh in!” Talking. How did he know she liked talking so much? This was just like listening to her favorite wavs, except this was real. This was happening right here in front of her. It was happening right here for her. “The pep… pep… so… strong… I ihhh! HIH! HIHHHHHHH… sn… snehhhhh EH!” His body tensed and rose up straighter, swaying slightly with each gasping breath. And just when she thought the sneeze might actually back off, it struck. “HUH-INGUHHuhhhtchhhhhhhhhhh!” He cupped both his hands to his face and sniffed wetly as he opened his eyes and turned them up toward her, a helpless but dazedly happy expression in his eyes. “Do you hab a tissue? Sniffff! Or… baybe a dapkid? By dose… so ruddy now… those sdeezes were so wet.”


Josephine’s hand dove into her purse, emerging a second later. “Of course. I have tissues and a handkerchief. Which would you prefer?”


The look of delight in his eyes was impossible to miss. He seemed unable to decide at first, and just sat, sniffling repeatedly. Then, with a bashful tilt of his head, he motioned for the tissue pack. She pulled one then two tissues out, layered them, and then held them close to his hands. When he reached for them, she caught a brief glimpse of how wet his nose and the spot above his upper lip were, glistening beautifully before both were covered by the tissues and he gave a gurgling but gorgeous blow.


It was the sound of that blow that really made her heart skip a beat and a wave of something like panic rushed over her. The sneezes had been amazing, exactly her favorite sort. They’d been utterly perfect. Too perfect. And with the build-up and the talking, she really should have noticed before. But now she was struck with absolute certainty. That handful of wavs on her computer, the ones in her secret, buried, password protected favorites folder, the wavs labeled SOM01 through SOM07, the ones she touched herself to more than any other wavs she’d ever heard… they were his.


His sneezes. His sniffles. His voice. His nose blows.


Josephine sat back down in her seat, feeling the wetness in her crotch even more as she did. “Bless you,” she said quietly, even though the sentiment was so incredibly insufficient. If she’d been at home under the covers with her vibrator and headphones on, she would have come by now. How could she possibly explain to him what his sneezes did to her?


He helped himself to another tissue from her packet and wiped his nose. “Did you like those at all?”


Did she like… like? She’d never loved any sneezes more in her entire life than these ones. Like? Her voice caught in her throat. All she could do was nod.


He smiled. And, actually, he had a nice smile, now that she noticed it. It made his whole face light up. “I love sneezing if I know the person will enjoy it. S’why I’ve made a handful of wavs.”


Of course she knew he had. And of course she couldn’t tell him she’d listened to them. Sometimes she opened them up in different windows and listened to them all at the same time, overwhelming her with those full, strong, wet sneezes.


“I don’t sneeze that often, but I love the idea of sharing my sneezes with someone who likes it. Do you like sneezing for people?”


She hadn’t gotten her voice back yet, not really. But she did manage to squeak out a soft, heartfelt, “Let’s get out of here and find out.”


Everything after that happened in a rush. Food was thrown into the trash, trays were dumped, drinks and flowers gathered up. She told him she knew of a place they could go, and he told her he drove a motorcycle and it was running low on gas. She wasted no time in getting him into her car and driving them out of town.


“Where are we going?” he asked a few minutes after they left the downtown area. “Your place?”


She had thought of that at first, but no matter how turned on she was, she wasn’t letting a strange guy into her house on the first date. Assuming what all this had been tonight could even be called a date. And she wasn’t going to drive them to some seedy motel either. No, because the second thing that had popped into her mind had been so much better. So good she found her foot depressing the gas pedal a little too hard and she had to remind herself of the speed limits. It wouldn’t do to get pulled over now, not like this. Not with a stoner in the passenger seat and her panties so completely flooded. “It’s a place I used to pass on the way to work. I think you’ll like it.”


It was dark outside, but she knew the route by heart, heading past the suburbs. When she neared the spot, she turned her brights on and kept her eyes peeled for a shoulder or somewhere she could pull over. She found just the place and pulled off onto the side. The road was deserted and nothing but fields surrounded them on all sides. She threw open her door and unbuckled her seatbelt, but she stayed in the car and put her hand on his arm, indicating her should stay put as well. “I stopped driving this way to work, because even with the doors closed and windows rolled up, sometimes I was still overwhelmed by the ragweed in the field here.”


His eyes lit up again; she could see that much in the dark. And he looked around, wildly, trying to get a look at the plants growing around them. “There used to be a farm here, but it was sold to some contractor who never built anything. So the weed just grows uncontained on the land out here. There’s just so much of it, usually just being around it for a minute or two sets me off.”


His voice was soft now, all the bravado and ease he’d had in the fast food joint gone and replaced by that same nervous anticipation Josephine had felt when his sneezes had been building for her. “It… makes you sneeze?”


She smiled and nodded. “Makes me sneeze my head off. Makes me sneeze so much I sometimes feel dizzy. And I can’t stop sneezing once a really good fit takes hold, tickling my nose in just the wrong way. I just have to keep going until it’s done. I—“ Her breath caught and so, she noticed, did his. He started at her, unblinkingly, probably afraid he’d miss her sneeze if he did so much as blink. But he shouldn’t have been worried. There was no missing what was about to happen.


As soon as she was sure the tickle had taken hold, she pulled the door shut again. She glanced over at Dennis, wondering if he was ready for this; she wasn’t sure she was. “eh.. get… get ready.” Her breath caught and, this time, she knew what was about to happen. “ah-hah-ahhhTChhh!


Dennis started, practically jumping in his seat. “Holy shit!”


She laughed. “Told you I had hayfever.”


“Yeah, but… that was so quick. And so beautiful.”


Josephine couldn’t help but smile. Beautiful he’d said. Not hot. Not sexy. She found his sneeze so delicious that she had hoped he would think the same of hers. Was there some sort of sneeze compatibility quotient? Or maybe luck was just on their side. Or fate. Or something. Whatever it was, she loved knowing that what he’d made her feel back at McDonald’s was what he was feeling now.


“Bless you,” he said, almost reverently.


“Not so quick, there. Lots more where that came from.”




She nodded, eyes closing again. “Yes… ah-ahh-CHISHHH! ahCHIihhh!


“Uhnh.” He bit his lip, hands drawn into fists on each thigh, gripping tightly at his jeans.


“It’s okay,” she told him. “You can touch yourself if you need to. There’s no one around for miles and miles and… and-hah…ah-hahhh-hah-CHIHshhhhh! Ah-CHIPtshhh! ahHjehhh!”


“Oh man, oh man.” Instead of diving into his pants as she’d expected him to do, he reached out and took her hand, squeezing. “Are you okay?”


Sniffling, she opened her eyes, which were watering now. She wiped a tear away and smiled reassuringly at him. “Let’s get in the back.” There was more room there and they could be closer. She wanted him to feel the heaving of her chest and the spray of her sneezes. She suddenly had this power over him, possessing the thing he wanted and being able to give it to him. She got out of the car and climbed into the back of her SUV. Eager beyond belief, Dennis had scrambled over the center console and between the seats to get into the back.


The burning tickle flared up in her nose again from just that brief moment being outside, and as soon as she sat down on the back seat, she snapped forward. “ah-CHISHH! Hshhhh!


“Bless you. Oh God. Did that feel good?” As if in answer, she reached up her blouse and pulled down her brassiere. Her nipples brushed against the soft satin skirt, making them tingle with need. She grabbed his hand and placed it on her breast. His hand shook at first then his thumb very gently started rubbing over her hard nipple, stroking hesitantly at first, then with a more steady rhythm as he realized she liked it.




“Oh God!” So he’d felt her breath this time. Good.


She scooted closer. She wanted this to be intimate, she wanted this to be special. “Dennis?”




“That was just the beginning. I can feel… feel my hayfever really starting to kick in now. I’m really, really going to start sneezing in a second.” The way his eyes danced with appreciation and need and lust made her hot in a way she could never have expected. “ah… ahhhhh… ah-IhcHIHShhh!” She pressed her hand to her mouth and runny nose. “Den… Dennis. Could you get my… my handkerchief out of my purse?”


He lunged between the seats again. She wondered if he knew how much it took for her to allow a near stranger access to her purse. He could steal her wallet or grab the mace she kept in there in case of emergencies; walking out of her office building to her car downtown in the middle of the night could get dangerous. But he came back with both the handkerchief and tissue pack and that was all. Though it was enough.


“Hold… hold it to my nose?” There was a wav she loved with those words in them. She was practically living out one of her fantasies and quoting the guy in it when she continued with, “I have to… I have to sneeze… hahh-Ihmpshhh! ahChimphh!” As she wiped her nose with the warm cotton, she heard the pop of a button and zip of a zipper. Finally. If he were touching himself, it would give her permission to do the same to herself.


She tugged her skirt up and slipped her hand between her legs; she was wetter than she’s guessed. And her body felt good still. Not quite as good as it had when he’d snorted that pepper and sneezed before, but there was definitely something fun in sneezing for someone else like this, turning someone on so hard and fast. She’d never been able to do that with the few boyfriends she’d had in the past. Sex had been dull. But it hadn’t felt like this. Not for a second. Her whole body hummed with a sensuality she had only before felt on her own.


Suddenly the handkerchief was pulled away from her face. She opened her eyes, confused, only to see Dennis gasp suddenly and bury his nose desperately in the hanky. “huhGIHHKtshhhhh!” he sprayed into its folds. One hand gripped the handkerchief, rubbing it at the tip of his nose, the other was down his pants, rubbing. “S-sorry,” he said, his breath shallow. “I think it’s this head cold I’m getting over. I should have brought…  brought my own huh-IHPTShhhmphhhhhhh!” he smothered into the hanky.


Her fingers flicked over her damp panties, over her clit. It was throbbing excitedly now. Two sneezes. Two cold sneezes. A third probably would have done her in just like that.


She grabbed the tissue pack and pulled one out. “It’s all right. Guess we’re just too sneezy to… to… ah-Chihhh! ahCHIHhh!” It was coming now, the allergic fit she was used to, the one she’d tried to warn him about. All she could do was turn in her seat, facing him and hoping he’d like it. She couldn’t stop rubbing herself, and she couldn’t stop sneezing now either. “Nose ahCHIHH! Tickles—CHISHH! H’shhh! So… so bad! ah-CHIH! Ah-Hish! AhChishhh! H’Chhh! Ah… ahhhKshh! ahHIhshoo!’ She heard him moan, but she couldn’t open her eyes, not now. Not yet. There were just too many sneezes. “ahhCHishhh! ahhHshhh! hahhChushh! ahhCHIHH!


“Josephine… I’m…”


ahhCHISH! hahhhChishhhh!


“I’m gonna… aw fuck!”


hahCHH! Hah-AHChihh!


“Can’t… wait… gonna… gonna come!”


hahh-Chhhh! ahhhCHIHH!” She leaned forward more, wanting to sneeze all over him with her soft, strong, uncontrollable sneezes. “AhChishhh!


huhhhhnn.. hnnn. Gehhh… hnnnnn Uh HUHDdShhhhhhhhh!


Not sure which sounds were those of his building orgasm and which belonged to that building, gorgeous cold sneeze, and not caring at this point, Josephine felt the pleasurable urge of an orgasm catch hold of her. She didn’t fight it, just let it do what it would, making her thighs shake and pelvis thrust upward and fingers fly over her clit. She was filled with a burst of pleasurable release that was mirrored, she suspected, by the man next to her.


She opened her eyes to see him stiffen, his mouth wide, the look on his face one of pure ecstasy. He’d waited for her to come before losing himself to the pleasure of it all. With a smile, she relaxed and let another one go, covering him with the soft, light spray. “ahCHshhhhhh!” It felt so good to release such ticklish sneezes, and even better knowing, seeing the power they had over him.



Afterward, Josephine lay back across the entirety of the back seat, her damp panties on the floor of the car and her legs spread a little so the cool night air could sneak in past her skirt. She shivered as she gave her running nose a swipe with her hand.


“Aw, shit,” Dennis breathed. He took off his flannel and draped it around her shoulders. Then he slid his jeans all the way off, balled them up, and stuffed them under her head. He reached over and, with a bent and slightly trembling finger, rubbed her nose. “You okay?”


She nodded slowly. “I think… I think that was the best orgasm of my entire life.” He laughed, and she tensed up, looking away, toward the seat. She’d just had sex—or, well, sort of sex—in the back of her car with a guy she’d literally just met that night. She hadn’t even done that kind of thing as a teenager. Maybe she deserved to be laughed at. In the darkness, she hoped he couldn’t see her cheeks go red. “You don’t have to make fun of me.”


“Nah.” He shook his head and rubbed two fingers at her nose again. “I was laughing ‘cause I was just about to say the exact thing. I mean, I probably jerk off a hundred times a day, you know?” This was something Josephine could guess at. “But this… this was special. This was amazing. This was a fantasy come true.” He laughed again. “And to think I almost called the whole thing off when I saw you tonight.”


She raised her eyebrows. “Really?”


“You looked so prissy and uptight. I thought you’d get one wrinkle in your skirt and flip out. And I couldn’t afford to take you anywhere nice, and you looked so irritated. No way did I think we’d end up here, like this.” He reached out and, instead of stroking her thigh, he tugged on the hem of her skirt, pulling it down a little more and then smoothing it out to cover her leg more. “You feeling up to drivin’ back into town yet? Or do you want to lie here and bask a little longer?” Before she could answer, he touched the back of his hand to her cheek. Then he slid his hand behind her, rummaging around in the pocket of his jeans and pulling out a small pepper packet. “Or, uh… I got one left.”


Josephine’s smile widened.  She reached behind her, popped open the door a crack again, and took a deep breath.


One Year Later


She spotted him through the conference room window. Shirt buttoned up to the collar, a pale paisley tie swinging from his neck as he bobbed forward with a sneeze. She couldn’t even hear it through the walls, but it still got her wet. Hell, just knowing what his sneezes sounded like and imagining the hundreds of ways that one might have sounded, even though she was in the middle of a meeting with clients? She couldn’t even take a second to pause and marvel at the way he rubbed at his runny nose, probably desperately needing that hanky she always kept in her purse. This was torture. And he knew this was torture by the way he straightened up and grinned at her through the window.


Then he dropped the mail on the desk outside and pushed the mail cart onward. God, Dennis. He was so going to pay for that later.


Sometimes she thought he’d taken that job at her firm just to be able to tease her once a day. And, well, maybe he had. But he’d actually been good at it. Surprisingly good at it. So good he’d been promoted a couple of times, actually. He was a supervisor now, but he still insisted on delivering the mail to her floor personally. And she always tried to keep an eye out for him when he did.


Clearing her throat to buy herself a second, and glancing down toward the tablet on the conference room table just to check that her nipples weren’t poking out from beneath her blouse—which they weren’t, thankfully—she continued on with her talk about market shares and promotional campaigns. The clients, totally oblivious to the fact that she was still tingling, ate up every word of her pitch.


The day was filled with back-to-back meetings, so she stayed an hour and a half late to catch up on her email, craft a few memos, and finalize what she needed for tomorrow’s meeting. It was with relief and immense satisfaction when she finally left the building, got into her SUV, and headed home.




Designer handbag on the shelf just inside, next to the motorcycle helmet. Keys to her BMW on the hook by the door, beside the set of keys with the R2D2 keychain already dangling there. It was good to be home.


Josephine headed to the kitchen for a few things. A tiny mew broke the silence and she looked down to see Maisy’s sweet blue eyes staring up at her. She glanced over at the cat’s bowl and saw there was plenty of food and water. She bent down and pet the cat, stroking gently in welcome. Maisy rubbed against her again then took off down the hallway after a ball made of tinfoil from the takeout from the Parisian restaurant they’d gone to a couple weeks ago.


She glanced at the sink and saw nothing but a stack of dishes in the dish drainer to the side of it, even though the most heavenly smells were coming from the oven. She flicked on the oven light; casserole, and a new one at that. It looked like it still had some time yet to cook. They would need it later.


ihhhh…” Her nose tickled lightly. No surprise there. “ih-Chihh!


“Bless you!” came the call from the den. She smiled and headed in, kicking off her high heels along the way.


Dennis sat on the couch, feet up on the coffee table. Though he still wore his tie, it was loosened and a video game controller was in his hand. A bong sat on the side table, not a crappy one made out of a pipe and a Gatorade bottle like he’d been using when she met him, but a proper one she’d picked up for him in Seattle last time she’d been there on business. She walked over to it and took a hit, the water gurgling as she sucked, then she held the smoke in as she leaned over for a kiss.


When done, she plopped down on the couch next to him, bouncing on the cushion as she snatched up the second wireless controller. “How’re you doing?”


“Got to level 14.”


“You lie!”


He paused the game and the status menu popped up. He was indeed on level 14.


“Seriously? We spent three hours on level 13 yesterday!”


“I got lucky.” He paused and smiled, looking over at her knowingly. Lucky didn’t begin to describe what he felt—what they both felt. “I heard you sneeze.”


She nodded. “My nose is feeling pretty tickly tonight.”


“What from, Jo? The cat?”


She shook her head.  Maisy had short white hair which hardly ever bothered her, unless she forgot her allergy medicine… which she sometimes did, but not this time. “Most likely the ragweed growing outside the kitchen window.” Reaching into her pocket, she pulled out a tiny sprig of ragweed and twirled it between her fingers. “Or maybe this wuh-one speh-specifically.” Her eyes closed, mouth dropped open, and nose twitched. “ihh!


“Oh yeah, baby.”  His hand found her knee and squeezed excitedly.




“That’s it.” His hand slid up her thigh, under her pencil skirt.


ih-hih-ihh-HIHChishhhh!” She grabbed for his tie and sniffled into the end of it. Then she tugged at it, pulling him up and leading him toward the bedroom. She stopped them after only a few steps in that direction, however, so she could grab the laptop from the coffee table, the good sites and posts bookmarked and favorites folders filled and ready to go.