Title: U is for Unconventional

Rating: NC-17
Fandom: Torchwood
Pairing: Jack/Ianto


Of all the words in all the languages in all the worlds, a relationship with Captain Jack Harkness had never and could never be described as conventional. Ianto Jones had learned this firsthand. After three months, the one place they hadn’t had sex was in a bed.


For one, Jack didn’t sleep and, thus, having a bed at the hub was a waste of space. For another, Jack had about a thousand different kinks and regular vanilla sex in a bed wasn’t one of them. Jack was endlessly turned on when cornering Ianto in the kitchen pretending to be a strict boss until Ianto made him the perfect cup of tea he then had to be rewarded for or interesting Ianto in a game of naked hide-and-seek.


The latter was a lot more exciting when one wasn’t catching a cold, however.


Ianto crouched, naked, under Jack’s desk side of his hand pressed hard to his scrunched-up nose. His breath kept hitching and he was sure that if Jack didn’t hear him sneeze, Jack would hear him breathing.  Not to mention that he had no handkerchief on him now. There was nothing so undignified as sneezing openly while crouching naked under a piece of furniture. He felt sure that, if Jack were to ever find him here, Jack would do so just as Ianto lost his valiant battle with the tickle in his nose. And what a fierce, urgent tickle it was, too.


Determined now, Ianto pressed harder. He settled down onto the floor, shivering as the cold struck his arse. He really should have chosen a better place to hide. The greenhouse would have been warmer. Or down with the washer and dryer, where they could have masked his noise.


He closed his eyes and concentrated. He tensed and relaxed. He held his breath. And, finally, the desperate urge to sneeze passed. Listening closely, there were no footsteps. Safe. For the moment, at least. And, before he knew it, he was fast asleep with his head against the inside of Jack’s desk.




Ianto woke to lips closed over his own. Jack’s eyes were closed, hand on Ianto’s shoulder as if he had tried to shake Ianto awake and had given up in favor of a kiss. The kiss was unusually gentle, sensuous. Fingers grazed over Ianto’s cheek and danced against Ianto’s temple and hairline.


“Sleepy?” Jack asked, the words slightly playful. “I didn’t realize this game was so boring all of a sudden. I’ll have to come up with something more interesting.” His lips ghosted over Ianto’s. “Or is it something more?”


Hungrily, Ianto sucked Jack’s lip into his mouth. The kissing began again. Deep and warm, mouths pressed and lapped languidly. A dreamy sort of ecstasy came over Ianto, blocking out every other emotion, worry, concern.


Ianto drew back only the moment before he sneezed. “heptishhhh!” He still managed to catch a bit of Jack’s face in the spray. Horrified, he turned away, cupping his hand over his mouth.


“That’s what I thought,” Jack murmured. He kissed the back of Ianto’s hand and then reached up, rubbing two fingers beneath Ianto’s wet nose. Ianto sniffled instinctively and Jack’s eyes lit up.


It was then that Ianto looked down, noticing Jack was aroused. Quite aroused, in fact. And, for some reason, Ianto suspected it didn’t have much to do with his winning naked hide and seek. Ianto’s eyes met Jack’s, flicked downward at Jack’s hard dick, and then drifted back up. When he sniffled, Jack moved forward. And Ianto smiled behind the hand still held over his mouth. Then he nuzzled closer, snuffling and wiping his nose against Jack’s dry hand.


With his head dipped submissively, he caught sight of Jack’s cock twitching with need. And he knew. He just knew what that meant. He dropped his hand and sat up as much as he could underneath a desk. “You’re excited to find me?”


Jack took a moment to consider his answer. “I’m excited that I found you. And I’m excited that I found you like this.”


Ianto’s breath caught. He tried to fight, tried to will it away. He tried to pull back as well, but Jack just moved in closer, under the desk with him. And, in the end, all the straining and holding his breath amounted to nothing. “hehIHHShhh! H’chiiish!” A quick, wet double-sneeze tore from him, against Jack’s hand. His other hand stroked Ianto’s head, petting him reassuringly.


Instead of jumping Ianto, taking him, claiming him right then and there, Jack said, “Guess I’d better get you to bed.”


 Ianto supposed he must look confused, because Jack’s next words were infused with amusement. “You do have a bed at your flat, don’t you?”


Not bothering to point out that in all their time together Jack hadn’t once even suggested they go to Ianto’s place, he let Jack scoop him up from under the desk. “Yes, I do.”


“And it’s big enough for two?”


Ianto smiled. Nodded. “Yes, it is.”


It took some time to locate and get back into all of their clothes.  Jack barely let Ianto alone for a second, keeping an eye on him or, even better, an arm around him. He even tied Ianto’s tie on himself, slipped it over Ianto’s head, and tightened it. He wouldn’t let Ianto get away until it was straightened properly.


Then Ianto was properly bundled up, complete with a scarf and mittens that seemed to materialize out of nowhere. “Jack, these aren’t especially sensible.” He held both hands up and mimed talking, touching his thumb to his fingers repeatedly to show that was just about all he could do.


“Don’t worry. I’ve got you.” Jack dabbed a cool white handkerchief at Ianto’s nose. “Now tell me everything that’s wrong. You’re sneezy and sniffly, I got that. What about your throat?”


“Hurts when I swallow,” Ianto admitted, surprising himself for being so honest all of a sudden. But the look in Jack’s eyes showed he was feeding off of this. Ianto summoned up some more specific details. “My head hurts as if a weevil’s been gnawing on it.”


Jack’s fingertips skittered over Ianto’s forehead and applied pressure at his temples. That actually felt kind of good for some reason, and Ianto felt the words flow out more easily as he closed his eyes to enjoy it.


“My throat’s raw and scratchy. I woke up coughing this morning.”


“I’ll make you tea,” Jack promised softly. “All the tea you want. Let’s go.”


Ianto had a feeling that none of his coworkers really believed Jack had chosen him. But none of them—not even Owen—would have questioned it if they had seen Captain Jack Harkness lead Ianto Jones down the street by the hand, looking up for the telltale green plus symbol that indicated a pharmacy. They didn’t see him march into the nearest Boots and buy up exactly the medicines and supplies that matched Ianto’s symptoms. They didn’t see him take Ianto up to his flat and tuck him into bed, flannel pajamas and all—Jack even wore some so Ianto wouldn’t feel underdressed.


There was tea that was actually pretty decent. A stack of gloriously soft, pressed hankies to sneeze into. And homemade soup magically whipped up from the almost nothing that had been Ianto’s kitchen.


As Jack cleared the dishes and tray away, Ianto stretched out on his side, the four pillows propping him up so he could breathe more freely. He was still forced, however, to make use of the handkerchiefs. “h’chufffff!” Slightly muffled, the sneezes still brought a wide-eyed Jack back to the bedroom in mere seconds.


He hovered by the bed, swaying weakly, eyes trained on Ianto. “Would you…” Ianto tried not to smile, though he was amused to see this normally confident man so suddenly uncertain. “Would you mind if I climbed in with you?”


Ianto decided to give him an in. “To keep me warm?”


Jack played along, nodding. “Though I’ve also brought this.” He held up a filled, red hot water bottle.


Immediately, Ianto folded back the covers at the corner. Jack slid in and put an arm around Ianto as Ianto snuggled close to the hot water bottle. It sloshed about. And when Ianto reached to adjust its position, his hand brushed a prominent part of Jack’s anatomy. If a few sniffles could get Jack this hard, Ianto wondered what the rest of his cold would do to the man. Then he remembered that Jack was immortal, and he suddenly wasn’t concerned at all.


Feeling another sneeze coming about, he skipped the handkerchief and nuzzled his nose against Jack’s shoulder. “huh-hehhh… huh-Umffschhhhh!


Jack shuddered, instinctively wrapping his arms around Ianto, drawing him impossibly closer. When he spoke, his voice was breathy with need, though as sexy as ever, “Ever make love to someone with a hot water bottle between the two of you?”


“Um, sniff, no.”


After placing a kiss on the top of Ianto’s head, Jack pulled back. His eyes searched Ianto’s. And, reading the man, Jack answered the look in those eyes with a question, “Would you like to?” For Captain Jack Harkness, even sex in a bed was unconventional.